This series explores my relationship with alcohol and the impact it has had on my career and personal life. Like many Americans, I responsibly enjoyed alcohol in professional and social settings. But something changed, and it all started with a lie I told myself. Along the way I told myself many lies to excuse or justify my behavior. Though I didn’t recognize them at the time, I see them all too clearly now. Maybe you will too.
LIE: Everyone wants to party
We really do work hard. This world we live in can be incredibly taxing on our being. It takes rigor and effort to achieve even basic success, so it makes a lot of sense that we should come together where we can bond. Corporate culture is difficult to navigate and survive on your own. We should be able to relax and relate with co-workers on a more personal level.
But how far do we have to “let our hair down” and seduce ourselves into a careless adventure to get to know our teammates and bond? And how much of the real person are you getting to know by having the event bathed in alcohol? We have become so numb to the use of alcohol as a requirement for our casual events that we really never ask the question: Does everyone really want to party?
Of course, everyone wants to party. This was the second lie I told myself. You don’t even have to look closely to see the truth. Many feel they have to party in order to be accepted or be promotable. In this situation, they really aren’t relaxing or team building at all. They are in a guarded effort to go the extra mile to make themselves visible, relevant, and promotable.
I’ve heard of a lot stories about people potentially not wanting to party at work events. Unfortunately, they were drowned out by those proclaiming or demanding that you “come over and have a shot with us.” I always loved that first shot where one “leader” sets the tone by expensing everyone a drink. There was always some business-sounding toast intended to inspire the group—a poignant, touching speech just before we all chug alcohol. That’s usually the first of many shots for most of that group. I digress. My point is not everyone wants to party.
I had a mentee one time at a large corporation. She was incredible. I always marveled at how she could be so good at exceeding goals, be so willing to work extra for career advancement, and so open to coaching. Somehow she was also able to prioritize being a mother to her children and partner to her husband. I still look back on her with amazement. We worked for several months on a very specific action-oriented plan to help her understand more details and skills about what it took to be a high performing corporate accounts person. That is where she wanted to head in her career, and I felt very fortunate to have the opportunity to provide guidance. Over time our careers diverged and we went separate ways. But I had no doubt she would reach goals.
We reconnected a few years ago. I was eager to learn about her career advancement. It never happened—at least not to the level she desired. She told me she was uncomfortable staying at after-hours events and national meetings to get the visibility she needed. She was a nondrinker. She didn’t enjoy the environment or the company of drinkers. She found that most were drinking excessively. Over time she realized that though these social “work” events often sparked the career advancement conversations she wanted to be part of, her efforts were often forgotten by the other parties even as soon as breakfast the next morning.
I’m sure as you read this you are thinking “Yeah, but…blah blah.” Why? Because I had the audacity of claiming that an alcohol saturated company sponsored party was not a good environment for growth and cultivating high performers? Let’s assume there were other reasons she did not get promoted. Would it really matter? Is the promotion really the issue? No, it’s not. The issue is an employee at a work event was made to feel uncomfortable because she did not want to be around those consuming large amounts of alcohol. However, if she did not, there would be no other opportunities for her to gain a similar exposure. I can’t think of another substance or behavior other than alcohol where there wouldn’t be a huge outcry. Yet, it’s silent and apparently her “problem.”
Hers was just one story. There are many others like her who choose not to drink. Some for health reasons. Some for religious reasons. Others, like my colleague, who don’t enjoy being exposed to that environment. Looking back, I see that not everyone wants to party at company events. It isn’t just because I have chosen sober living. The truth is while alcohol is sacred and necessary for some, it is equally offensive and destructive to others.
I believed the lie that everyone wants to party. My relationship with alcohol cost me my personal life and career. In 2014, I was promoted to the highest position I’d ever held in corporate life. In 2015, a lay off left me without work. By February 2017, the party was over. I was homeless and penniless in the middle of winter in Western New York.
My story is extreme. It’s highly unlikely that you will face such a grave circumstance. But the many lies I told myself perpetuated my treacherous journey. Not everyone wants to party.
I HAVE QUESTIONS AND YOU SHOULD TOO:
· Could you attend an event that served alcohol and not have a drink?
· Would you still drink if you knew rising stars in your organization didn’t want to drink and only did because you did?
· If you are drinking at a business event with your colleagues and another colleague chooses not to do you feel differently about that person?
· If you would rather not drink at a corporate event and others around you are drinking freely if not excessively, do you feel comfortable?
· Have you ever attended a corporate event or business function where alcohol is served and done something you later regret and would have never done without alcohol?
· Have you ever seen somebody have a career limiting move at a company event because of alcohol?
· Do you tend to drink more if you don’t have to pay for the alcohol?
· Would the sales team in your organization be upset if alcohol was no longer paid for by your organization? If they would be, why?
· When someone blames and alcohol environment for causing an issue, do you automatically think of many reasons why that isn’t true? Why is a beverage so important to you? Is it because it is far more powerful than just being a beverage?
· Is it possible alcohol is dangerous in the work context?
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