I looked at my reflection today and as my reflection looked back at me, something different happened. I got that feeling deep in my throat right before I cry but as I waited for the tears to fall nothing happened. Instead, I looked at myself in the mirror and I saw tears flooding down my mirroring face. As I watched the other me cry, I craved to hug her and I wanted to wipe her tears off her face. I so badly wanted to comfort her. I felt my mind saying that everything was going to be okay, (just as if I was comforting someone else). At that moment (I knew without any slight doubt) that if I could reach through the mirror I would and I would hold her.
As these thoughts flew through my mind, I saw the tears still falling from her face and something hit me hard in the pit of my stomach. Although I have so much guilt and shame for the things I have done and for all the people I have horrifically hurt, today I felt guilt for the girl in the mirror. I never realized that the person I have inflicted the most pain on, the person I have been hardest on, the person I have cared about least of all was myself. I despise myself for the torment I have caused others, yet I never associated or treated myself as one of those people. I let her endure a cycle of pain constantly and all alone in the darkness she endured it all. I didn’t love her. I didn’t care about her. As things got worse any love I had for her diminished until it was nothing until she was nothing. How could I treat her the way I should when I had no problem keeping her captive in a world of torture and chaos for what was she anyway? She was a pathetic excuse of the Sam she could have been. I didn’t respect her and I didn’t give her a chance to heal before inducing more trauma on her day after day. So why would anyone treat her differently or see the real her that was suffocating constantly?
All that being said, something else struck me suddenly as my other me looked at me for help and alleviation of pain, she looked at me and for the first time, I saw that she had hope. She was scared of me, but this was the first time I even cared to see her and she knew that. I realized for the first time just how much I do love that girl. Whether it was just metaphorically or not, I wanted to smash that mirror and reach for her. Use my hand to wipe her tears and tell her that I am so sorry for everything I did to her and everything I turned a blind eye to. As this fog lifted, it became as clear as a sunny day the amount of love I have managed to dig up. If it turns out I love her that much now, what about when I knowingly treat her better? What about when I have sustained sobriety? If I am serious about treating her better, that would mean I have to fight vigorously to stay sober. What about when I finally come out of my shell after all these years and live up to my potential? Is there still the young child that Sam used to be somewhere inside her? Even more, I can’t wait to see what I can do to help others like me who need to help the one in the mirror but they do not know how to yet. I want to see what loved Sam can become. I have a feeling I will like her a lot. I have been hard on her for long enough.
Sam... are you ready? You can come out now... it’s okay, I promise. Finally, everything is going to be different. Finally, I won’t keep you locked in my dungeon.
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